...ramblings of an angry fool...

There are so many books about the grieving process, about what you should feel and how you should maneuver the emotions in the wake of tragedy... But what about all those months, and even years later, when you are still struggling to put a name to emotions, and you are still in the throws of the battle with grief? 

Where are the experts? Where is the quirky gal with the relatable story? Where is everyone?

Moved on. That's where. Moved on and forgotten about those people who can't conceive moving on. 

Forward. That's the direction I guess I'm going. But "on" is this elusive enigma that doesn't make sense. What does moving on look like? How does moving on feel? "Moving on" sounds like when I got dumped by what's-his-name in high school, and I had all good things ahead of me. I don't look back 15 years later with regret. In fact, this is probably the first time I've thought about it since I grew up, got married and had kids... Grieving the death of a sibling doesn't look like that. It doesn't feel like that and I can't 'move on' like that. There are no bigger and better things ahead for me. Only the grief I carry around like spotty sunglasses, always dimming the sights just a little, and making my view of the world just a little bit darker. Messier. 

I think I'm starting to really understand my cycle. My grief cycle. The calendar pages flip as the months fly by, but the grief cycle is constant and steady. Days 26-18 of each month are great. Sure, I think of my brother and remember some funny thing he did or said, but the days are happy and routine. Then comes the 19th. Like an angry avenger, she slays the joy and replaces it with doubt, guilt, and so much sadness that I can't hardly stand it. To combat the anger, I get angry- and while you may roll your eyes because you can't possibly understand, you can trust that it's a thing. It's real. 

So... I'm angry. I waffle between irritated with the world and God's people in it, and straight-up lividity. (That's a thing, too.) I seem harmless and some people buy-off on my fake enthusiasm for life. But the few people who are close to me get the full dose of my angry self. I don't hold back. And it isn't pretty. 

By the time the 24th rolls around, I'm angred-out and all that is left is a puddle of tears and some pretty heavy bags under my eyes. The 24th is the one day of the month that I allow myself to be in-the-moment, emotionally. Which means that I cry. A lot. I am happy and I am angry and I cry about it all. It's all a blur of tears. 

The 25th is the day that I wish would disappear from the calendar. I don't want to think about my brother, or mention his name. It sounds cliché but to me, being sad on the monthly anniversary of the day my brother died, just because it's that day. Maybe I'm an idiot. Maybe that's ridiculous. I can't help it... That's just me. Maybe I'm cliché. 

When the sun sets, and all the people who like to think they have some clue as to what missing Ryan even looks like have crawled back into their holes, I say a prayer and go to sleep. And so starts the cycle of another month, of another year...

I don't know where I'm going with this. And truth-be-told, I'm irritated that I don't have a clear goal with this post. 

I guess this is just a glimpse at the authentic scattered mind of a grieving sister. A fresh look into the thoughts of the broken hearted.

...My "7" Journey...Part 1...

I havent wanted to draw a lot of attention to what I have been doing lately. But now that the first 30 days is just about over, I can share a little.

I was bit by the "7" bug. A revolution on the way we think, how big our faith is, and really, how we see the world. Not just the world around us, but the global community. Not just the circle of Church, but I mean the entire globe of people - and climate. 

"7. An Experimental Mutiney On Excess" is a book by Jen Hatmaker, which detalis the process God took her through to soften her heart to the global community. Through each month, for 7 months, God showed her the plight of people, and asked her to experience just a portion of their suffering. And their dependance on God. 

It was enlightening, and dare I say fun to read Jen's journey. It was inspiring. And my own adventure was born...

September 1, I - along with my trusty council - embarked on a food cleanse of sorts. Some of us gave up 7 foods or groups of foods. Some of us lived only on 7 foods. And this girl right here took it to a whole 'nother level and tried out the Whole 30. I gave up all legumes, sugar, starches, grains, processed foods, soda, blended coffee, etc. 9 pounds later, I am glad that I did.  I mean, I'm just a few days out of closing this chapter, but, I'm glad. My eyes were less opened to the world and the plight of hungry children, but opened to my own dependance on fake food, fillers, packaged, processed, injected and imported FAKE FOOD. I don't think that this will be my last encounter with the Whole 30. I enjoy being active, and this challenge made me feel healthy. Let's be honest, the loss of nasty pounds of fat was a really good incentive to revisit my entire thought process about what I stick in my mouth.  Am I willing to forever live Paleo extreme with no ice cream? Um...NO. Am I willing to spend the extra time to meal prep, and shop for real, organic food for my family? YES. 

I also experienced some spiritual side effects. Deeper and more meaningful prayer, dependance on God through sugar cravings, and temptaions. 

I have also seen God move on my behalf, drawing me closer to a community of women, that I have prayed for, for YEARS. Yes, you read that right. God is now, through this "7" adventure, answering a prayer request that has been ongoing for years. As I use this process to draw near to God, He is drawing me near to Him, showing me His heart, and giving me a community of sisters, who are also drawing nearer the heart of the Savior. 

Imagine that - a Bible promise coming true! What an amazing thought! What an absolutley incredible God! 

I can't gaurentee that I will update this blog frequently, but I will document this journey.

Thanks for following along.

xo

~Julie~

...busyness...

I am discovering (through no small lesson) that it is not necessarily good to have a busy life.
Busy doesn't equal good. The quality in the actions, and the reason behind the motivation is important. 

I see people running ragged. Losing sleep and burning the candle at both ends (a metaphor for busyness that I picked up from my dad at a young age. See, Pop, I listen). And I am guilty. I am not sure if I am in the middle of a busy season, or if my busy season is just beginning. But I find myself straining, searching for deeper meaning, while simultaneously running just as ragged.

I want so desperately to live a life pleasing to God, my Creator. Every fiber of my being desires His stamp of approval. And yet, when I sit back and reflect, I find that I am maybe not where I should be. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.
Here is what I mean:

My daughter plays softball. She's not a phenom, but she is my kid so that basically equals the same thing. Being the mom that I am, I make sure that she has what she needs, and that she gets where she needs to be. But the cost is high. We frequently miss church on Sundays, and all friendships have fallen by the wayside. Just to clarify, and to satisfy my legalistic tendencies: I watch my home church's live stream or recorded message every week. I listen to KLove and Air1 in the car almost exclusively, so I don't lack worship in my life. Just corporately. 

My son plays football. This generational rite of passage wasn't lost on me, though I practically begged my son not to play (I'm a mom, people. He's just too small and precious to me to stand even the thought of getting hurt). Again, I make sure he is always where he needs to be, has the right equipment (I wish he would let me wrap him in bubble wrap) and is prepared. 

All this means that I have zero free time. I couldn't host an evening bbq or host a small group if I wanted to. The relational quality of my life has significantly lessened through this season. 

But is this season good?

I struggle to find time to just be. While I maintain some symbalance of a relationship with God through prayer and 5-minute devotions on my phone's Bible app, I can't help but feel hallow.
Yes, some is better than none. But what would it take for me to have more? And I am even willing to know the answer?
Jesus demands that we drop it all and follow Him. If He called me over, and I truly loved Him like I say I do, could I walk away form this life (I mean, could I walk away from my family) and be with Him? Isn't that what I am supposed to be doing now, putting Him above everything? Can I both honor God and support my kids' sports schedules? Can I still teach them about sacrificial living if I am not completely modeling it? Can I teach them to honor God and keep His commandments if I continually break His commandment for Sabbath?

This plagues me and keeps me up at night, crying out to God, my Redeemer and my Shepard.
And I have the suspicion that I am not the only one...

This launched my quest to reign in my calendar, and really really REALLY search Him out with my whole heart. I am starting a new journey based on Jen Hatmaker's book 7, which is basically a 7-month assault on excess, the 7 things that most frequently get in the way of a deeper relationship with God and more enriching life (clothes, spending, waste, food, posessions, media, and stress).

I am going to weed out what I put in the way of God's will for my life, and see what happens. I want to be transformed - and I know that I have to jump in with both feet for any lasting change to take place. My personality is all-or-nothing. I want to see the bigger picture, to know the deeper meaning. I am praying for a community of accountability, to walk along side me and help keep me focused on drawing nearer Jesus.
And I am praying for someone to take the plunge and join me.
I can't be the only one dissatisfied by the schedule and fed-up with the rat-race.

...To My Brother On Your Birthday...

Dear Ryan,

............. This is by far the most difficult thing that I have done, to date. Write you a letter (posting it for people to see) that I know you will never see, with thoughts and emotions that I don't have words for. 

Man, I wish you were here. More accurately, I wish that I was there, in Heaven. With you. Home. 

Birthdays just aren't the same anymore. It's hard to celebrate.. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the 23 birthdays that we got to share. But I can't help but feel robbed of a life time of more birthdays.........

So much has happened in the past two years, and while I know that there is no time in Heaven, I can't help but wonder if you can see and know just how deeply I miss you? I miss everything. I miss who I was, I miss our inside jokes, and your laugh, and how when I was mad you would smother me until I laughed, too. I miss your stupid jokes, and inappropriate commentary. I miss having someone who understands me, I miss being half of something really cool. I even miss that secret handshake. Parts of me still haven't recovered from all of the broken dreams. There are some joys that I will miss on this earth, because you aren't here. And I understand just a glimpse of that agony that you were experiencing, because I think that you understood that you may miss out on those joys too. 

I can't help but wonder who you would be, if you were still on earth. Would you have graduated Heald? Moved away? Moved in? Would you be thinner? More fit? Fat? Would you realize that Rogaine doesn't work, and shave your head like Pop? 

Would you have found someone special to join you on your road through recovery? A girlfriend? Heaven only knows... a baby? 

When I watch that final goodbye, and tears finally flow unashamed down my face, I can see how deeply you hurt, And I would give my own life to take away that pain. 

Did you know that? Did you think that leaving us was going to spare us from some other unknowable pain? Did you think that you were going to have to endure some unfathomable torture? 

RYAN..... WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??????????????

I hope that you don't feel the misery of missing me on my birthday, another midnight come and gone... When I am finally rescued from this life, and find myself in the arms of Jesus, I know that it won't matter any more. There will be no unanswered questions. No pain. Just joy and completion. 

Until then, baby brother, Happy Birthday in Heaven. 

I love you.

~Du

Sister, still?

What do you do when you spend a lifetime training for something, that you end up not needing? What am I supposed to do with 23 years, 10 months and 5 days of round the clock, sister training and practice? I feel like I can still claim the title of 'sister'.... I'll never stop being Ryan's sister, but... I just stop practical application of all the skills I acquired? I can't use them on my kids. I am their mom. I can't use them on my husband. I am his wife. 

I know that there is some great philosophical answer, about being a sister in God's family, but to cut down to the thick of it - I really don't have the time or the gumption to open myself up to so many people. I know, I am selfish. I stare at that harsh reality every morning in the mirror. I know that I am. I also know that God wired me just shy of introverted, and I have never made friends easily. I am blunt and to the point. And I'm a bigger pain in the butt than anyone who really knows me would admit out loud. Thank God I have ---had?--- a brother. I couldn't be bothered with picking one out myself, but the built-in buddy that God gave me, suited me just fine. I love Ryan.  

So where does that leave me now, besides alone? Sure, I'm friendly with enough people. And I can smile and shake hands with the best schmoozers. But where do I pour all my sisterly love and advice? 

I can't just 'adopt' a proxy, can I? Wouldn't someone think that's weird? "Hi, I'm Julie. I'm a pretty good sister - do you want one?"  Yeah, no. That's not ever going to happen. 

I miss what being a sister means. I miss being known. I miss the inside jokes. I miss the reminiscing. The hours upon hours of movie watching and line memorizing. I miss dreaming of having a sister-in-law and being an Auntie. I miss the security of knowing that someone who loves my kids almost as much as I do, would care for them if something were to happen to me. 

I miss the possibility of what my life could have been like, if I still had my brother on earth. I know that there is no time in Heaven, and that I am the only one of us (meaning Ryan and I) who is miserable - and that it's only temporary. I know these things, yet they provide me with no solace. 

So tonight, I'll have a little cry and grieve what could have been, say a prayer, and look forward to whatever tomorrow holds.

Thanks for reading.

--Julie--

It's Monday... But Sunday is Coming!

It's hard to be a Christian. Whoever says it's not, is not doing it right. It's hard to raise your kids in a Christian environment, with all the temptations at their fingertips via the Internet. We live in the digital age. Kids don't even have to know how to read to soak up information thanks to platforms like YouTube. 

These can be innocent, but too often, parents in my generation have their kids so plugged in that they miss the message of Christianity, despite all the "trying". 

It's Holy Week. Time to unplug and reflect on what it means that Jesus, the Son of God, was crucified and rose again to bring the inheritance of eternity to the world. Time to be intentional about what we teach our children. 

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:23 NIV. To teach them anything less than this is not helping them in any way. 

Open your Bible, get out those Resurrection eggs, whatever you do- resolve to spend the next 7 days pouring the life-giving message of Easter to your family. 

It is a matter of eternal life and death. 

True Story

There are quite a few people floating around out there, in the world, that are completely disillusioned.

They cling tight to their own sordid perceptions of a relationship with my brother.

Truth is, he probably didn't like you.

Truth is - he had to take a Xanex just to be polite to most people.

Very VERY few knew the real Ryan.
Most only knew the version of himself that he wanted them to know.

Ryan was private. Spinning a web of half-truths and untruths to protect his own fragile self-worth.
He wanted people to like him.
But he allowed only a handful to be real with him.

Truth is, if I hadn't lived life right alongside this man, I wouldn't know who he was.

As the end of the 23rd month without my brother draws near, I struggle to think of what he might be doing, if he were still here. I am drowning in a sea of despair at the thought of all he has missed. I am caught up in a moment of fleeting joy when I remember that I will see him again - a joy that always leads to the tearful cry like a temper-tantrum from a 2-year-old, "I want to see him NOW."

I am aware that Ryan was a great many things to a great many people.
But Ryan is my brother, and there is no amount of time that will heal this wound of grief.
I will always be without my right hand, my best friend, and the only person who has ever really understood me.
I miss being the person that was there for him, wiping his tears, and calming his fears. Listening for hours to his ridiculous dreams, and far-fetched wishes of winning the Lotto.
I miss both sides of what being a sibling means.
The giving and receiving.

I miss the real Ryan. The man I knew, that few didn't.
I miss my brother,

... January Thankful Thursday...

I'm starting this new tradition in 2015, to help me keep a short(er) account of my blessings. The last Thursday of each month will be Thankful Thursday, and I will recap 5 specific things from that month that I am particularly thankful for. 

-January 2015-  

(1) I am thankful for the grace God gave me though my fast. 21 days is hard, but He is faithful to not only hear my grumbles, but help me turn them into His Own praises. I'm not sure what amazing things God will do in 2015, but I am prepared to thank Him through each day. I am thankful for the spirit of thankfulness He is cultivating in me, that I can remember to actually thank Him every single day. (Does that make sense?) 

(2) I am thankful for God's provision. January has presented unique challenges- ones we weren't prepared to tackle. God has supplied us with everything that we have needed. He is True to His Word, and we are neither forgotten nor forsaken. Even when the numbers don't add up, and unexpected expenses pop up, God is in control and He works it all out. 

(3) I am thankful for the time I have had this month to devote to friendship with my husband. The holiday madness is over, the routine is back in full swing, and his work schedule has started to flow without much ripple. God has blessed us with time to talk, run, and even watch a couple movies together without harsh words or the mention of work! After 5 straight years of promotional testing, this is a welcome change for us. We can sit back and enjoy the journey without fear, and without the added pressures that we too often assume. Thank You, Jesus! 

(4) I am thankful for the lazy day. My kids and I stole a Sunday this month and observed a true Sabbath. We stayed home in our sweat pants, played board games and watched movies together. Sometimes we need to step out of the business of life, to enjoy everything God is doing in our lives. Our kids are growing so quickly, and if don't stop to enjoy each stage, I mean intentionally stop and make a memory, we will miss the sweet joys of childhood. I am thankful that my kids like being with me and enjoy talking to me. They are amazing blessings that I can forget to be thankful for, in the midst of juggling parenting responsibilities with chores and homework and sports and extra curriculars. 

(5) I am thankful, completely and wholey thankful, that the principal of my kids' school is sold-out for God. I mean, really! I saw this man worshipping Jesus with outstretched arms, and it nearly brought me to tears. I know that my kids are being led and guided, at school, by people who are devoted to God. There is no better feeling in the world than knowing that when your kids aren't with you, they are still being influenced by anointed Spirit-led followers of the King of kings. I am so thankful that God made that possible. Continually, I thank Him for the blessing of the kids being at that school, and continually He shows me just what a blessing it is! 

...Ah-ha!...

Have you ever had one of those 'ah-ha' moments? Where something clicks in your thoughts, or maybe even in your heart? Where something sinks in, and becomes tangible? 

This morning I had an ah-ha moment.

I was journaling, which I admit I don't do nearly as often as I should, and God spoke to me about the Truth of the petitions and requests that I brought before Him. You see, I have been struggling with a place to belong. I have felt like I have been floating through life lately, and I just wasn't sure why. Some things have gone...well, let's just say that things haven't gone the way I expected them to. Not even the way that they were designed to. Life has sort of been this roller coaster. And I internalize 99% of it. I don't typically share my greatest joys or my deepest fears, my personal victories or my struggles. 

God revealed to my heart that the #1 problem in my life is:

...are you ready?...

WORRY.

Boom! There is that ah-ha, like a cold splash of water on my face.

These are God's words to me:

"You worry about things that you cannot control. Does worry benefit your life? No! Worry is death to faith." He goes on to say, "...you choose not to trust Me. You choose to worry."

Ouch! It's like I can hear the Almighty God telling me that I am killing my own faith.

That is scary!!!

He says something that really hit me hard, though, which gives me hope. He said that I choose to worry. It is by my own choice that my faith is either built, or dies. God does not give faith, God has given us the freedom to choose faith. God gives us opportunities to build our faith, but the choice is ours, to stand and press in to Him, or to run away and die without Him.

I am struggling because I have chosen to let my mantle of faith droop.

NO MORE.

Today, I choose to believe God at His Word. 

Today, I choose to recognize that my every need is met, and that a Sovereign God Who loves me, is Faithful to provide for me.

Today, I choose Jesus.

My prayer for you is that you discover authentic faith for yourself. That you cultivate a relationship with God, and that you recognize His voice as it stirs inside you. Let Him refine you, even if it hurts. The Truth is often not the easiest thing to understand or follow. But it is the Truth nonetheless. God is Truth and Love and Faithful. He will never leave of forsake you. He will not let you stay down in that pit, unless you choose not to let Him help you up. 

...Foggy Faith...

This is my street. I run, walk or drive down it every single day. I know how many houses are on this street, and I know how long it takes me to reach the end of the block. Today was foggy. But I went for a run anyways, because I know my street. I know where I am, and where I am going, even if I can't see my next step, even if I can't see what is coming. 

When the fog rolls in, it is easy to be deceived because visibility is limited. Fear can creep in and suddenly, a road that you know may appear unfamiliar. This is how the enemy works. He clouds faith with doubt, which can turn into crippling fear- and all on a path that you KNOW!

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 reminds us that when we have faith, we can have an assurance about things we don't see. We must take the step, in faith. We may fall, but that doesn't mean we aren't on the path God has for us, and that doesn't mean He isn't there with us. 

Faith can be scary. It is easy to get distracted by the enemy of our souls, who wants us to be disoriented and ineffective in our mission to bring God glory. But all it takes to have this assurance of faith, is trust. And trust is developed over time by building a relationship with God. Spending time in His Word, learning who He is, and discovering what path He wants to take us on. 

Reflect on where you need to build your trust with God. Maybe you blame Him for a failure, a hurt, or an injustice. Maybe you question His complete love for you. Or maybe you just coast through life, content to control your own path. 

Give God solid, distraction-free time in prayer, and ask Him to reveal where your faith is failing. Commit to spend time getting to know Him, and begin to build a relationship with Him. You'll find it's easier to trust Him, than not to. 

When the fog lifts, and we look around, we may be surprised at where we allowed faith to take us! 

...Couple of Warnings...

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 

Ephesians 5:3-4

As we start integrating other foods back into our diets, I must issue two warnings. First, take it slow. Your digestive system needs extra time to begin to break down more complex foods, after being without them for 3 weeks. Second, be wary of backsliding. I am sure that your spiritual life has taken an overhaul, and it can be easy to slip back into old habits. 

Keep yourself in the Word. Get an accountability partner. Butt most importantly, be thankful. Thank God every day for drawing you closer, and for the mighty works He is doing and will do in your life!

Thank you for joining me on this journey.

I love you.

...21-Day Fast, Day 21 insights...

"May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by His grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word."

2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

Ending the fast after today may be scary. You may wonder if you have cultivated a deep enough relationship with God, to continue to experience Him once you return to a regular diet. Be encouraged, my friends. This verse in 2 Thessalonians reminds us that God gives us eternal encouragement and good hope. God alone supplies the power to overcome. God alone provides the breakthrough. God alone. The great I Am pours Himself out, into you, to strengthen, sustain and encourage you. He is the Good Hope. What you have accomplished with this fast has eternal significance, whether you experience that blessing on earth or not. You will be rewarded in Heaven for your obedience.

I also want to implore you to go deeper. To not stop seeking God's will, just because the timeline for this fast is over. What if we became a generation of change in this dead Babylonian culture? What if we chose to wade into the deeper waters, and kept our focus on the One Who orders the waves? What if we decided to get swept away and swept up in this love affair with Jesus, that we got in His Word every day for the rest of the year? 

What if...

We will only know how deep the waters of faith are, if we choose to not take our focus off God. If we are not in Him and He not in us, we can never be called out and called up to walk on the waters of faith. If we do not abide in Him, we will drown. This life will overtake us.God is our Good Hope. He offers eternal encouragement straight to our hearts, and is faithful to strengthen us in every good deed and word. Have faith. Press in. Trust that God is who He says He is, and can do that which the Bible says He can do. He has a perfect plan for your life. He is Hope, and your future rests with Him. 

Thank you for joining me on this wild ride of faith. 

To God alone be the glory!

...21-Day Fast, Day 20 insights...

Zechariah 7

Once you have made it this far in fasting, it is tempting to consider extending it. Beware pride. We all fall into the trap of thinking that we are fasting on our own power. 

In the Old Testament, God gave Moses some rules. The rules weren't just "laws" as we think of governing rules for behavior. These rules were a standard. A calendar and a detailed list of what makes God happy. I don't know about you, but sometimes I think following God's will for my life is a moving target. I wish I had a set of rules to follow that I know would please the Father in Heaven! 

In this chapter of Zechariah, we see that the Israelites got confused for their fasting and feasting. Both of these dedicated times, with specific pre-determined days, were consecrated and holy for the Lord. 

I, personally, set my fast for 21 days, to honor God. I don't believe it will honor God more if I extend this fast. If you are considering extending this time of fasting, I challenge you to spend some time in prayer, discerning if this call is from God, or from pride. Remember, if drawing closer to God is your goal every day, both times of fasting and feasting can be holy to the Lord. Take time to allow God to speak to you about your fasting experience. Ask God to help you reflect on the ways your fast has softened your heart and influenced you to change. Focus on Him, and He will direct your path. 

...21-Day Fast, Day 19 insights...

"How lovely is your dwelling place, Lord Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God." 

Psalm 84 :1-2

During this fast, you may have experienced your flesh crying out. You may have even experienced your body revolting against you in the form of headaches, moodiness, constipation, (or the opposite of. Gross but true). I pray that by now you have reached that deep place in prayer with God. And with that as perspective, doesn't the process seem worth it?

The struggle is going to be keeping His praises on our lips long after the fast ends. Psalm 84 paints a picture in my mind, of a man who is literally fading away, and yet still has the wherewithal to recognize God as the source of life. My soul yearns...wow. When was the last time you could say that? Hopefully sometime during this fast, you have discovered true hunger for every Word from the mouth of God.  Pray today that the Lord would keep the yearning for Him ever-present in your heart. Pray that you keep rediscovering that you need Him more than you need food. 

Let's try to commit these verses to memory. We need God's truth hidden in our hearts, that we can recall it when we need perspective and wisdom. Matt Redman has a song called "Better is One Day" based on Psalm 84. If you have a hard time memorizing Bible verses, listen to this song and see if in helps you remember the Truth... "How lovely is your dwelling place, oh Lord Almighty. My soul longs and even faints for You. For here my soul is satisfied, within Your presence. I sing beneath the shadow of your wings." 

The scary part of this may be that you haven't been to the deep place of yearning. Do not be discouraged. Pray about adjusting your fast, by food orby length,until you really feel like you are surrendered and yearning for God, above all.  

...21-Day Fast, Day 18 insights...

"Even now,” declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning." 

Joel 2:12

Fasting is about complete and total surrender. It's about not holding anything back from God. Fasting is a way we can shed the desires for the comforts of food, and return our hearts to the pure and undiluted desire for God.

"Even now..." God's timeline surpasses our own. There is nothing that you or I have done, that we don't have time to repent for. If we are still breathing, we can return to The Lord. I don't know about you, but that is very comforting to me.  I cannot run away from God farther than His love can reach me and pull me back in. There is nothing that I can do(or say!) that would cause Him to love me more or less than He already does. There is no sin that the Blood of Jesus cannot cleanse. Isn't that amazing! What a loving God we serve!

Let's make these last few days count. Let us return to God with fervor. With weeping, for the grace He affords us, with love for a God who is Love, with fasting, and with mourning for not only how our foolish and sinful nature grieves God, but for the members of our family who don't know the redeeming love of Jesus.  

Let's fall on our faces, and return to Him Who sets us on the rock.

..21-Day Fast, Day 17 insights...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." 

Philippians 4:6

Fasting without prayer is just a diet. Fasting without a purpose is not fasting at all. As we near the end of this time of fasting, my sincere hope is that you continue your time of prayer even after you go back to "normal" eating.

Fasting doesn't bring your requests and petitions to God, but prayer does. Talking to God is vital to growing your relationship with Him, and fasting removes the distractions, for a time, and gives you an opportunity to focus on exactly what you are thankful for as well as the point of your petition. 

This verse makes it clear that we should be praying in every situation. Not just through this time of fasting, but through and in every situation. It may be easier to pray focused and deliberate prayers while fasting, but don't let yourself feel anxious for when this fast is over. God has been slowly peeling away the layers of the world, and speaking to and hearing from your heart directly.

Keep praying. 

Pray often. 

Pray fervently. 

If you haven't been keeping a prayer journal, I highly recommend starting one. Years from now, wouldn't it be awesome to look back and see how this process of prayer and fasting started?

...21-Day Fast, Day 16 insights...

"My heart says of you, “Seek his face!” Your face, Lord, I will seek." 

Psalm 27:8

Fasting is a time of seeking, self-reflection, and a time of truly seeking out a deeper relationship with God. If we are not careful, we will seek God for what He can do for us, and not seek Him just to be near Him. 

It takes a lot of practice - time in prayer - to cultivate a relationship where we see God as Father and friend. When we can come before Him to just be in His presence, not to just ask for something from Him.  Our challenge is to use the remaining days of fasting, our specific and intentional time dedicated to God, to learn the balance of seeking Him as Father and Friend. 

When we learn to seek His face, not just His hand, we grow to enjoy a close relationship. 

This, my friends, is more valuable than any favor we can ask. A close relationship with the Father is vital to our growth and maturity as a child of His. Think about it this way - children are healthier and grow to be more productive adults when they have a personal relationship with their fathers. If children only ever communicated with their dads to ask favors of them, how close would they grow to be?

Seek His face, and you can enjoy a close relationship with the Almighty God, and you can call Him your Friend.

...21-Day Fast, Day 15 insights...

"...those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." 

Isaiah 40:31

Do not grow weary with fasting, The temptation to coast through these last few days will be great. Resolve to see this commitment through to the end, praying with just as much fervor as when you started. Finish strong. This is the mantra, of sorts, that should be in your thoughts and on your heart. Finish strong. You are a finisher. I am a finisher. Because the strength to finish comes from the One Who goes before you, Who has already cleared the way and won the victory.

One of the most encouraging passages to memorize, about not growing weary, comes from Isaiah. When we "hope in the Lord..." It is hard sometimes to imagine what that hope looks like, tangibly, in the midst of temptation. Especially the temptation to quit doing something that you have already dedicated to the Lord to do. Like this fast, for example. When we believe that He is Who He says He is, and that He can do what He says He can do, that's hope. When we pray, and fast, and wait for God to move on our behalf, that's hope. Center yourself around hoping in the Lord, these last few days. Understand that you may not receive your answer, breakthrough, or change right away. But know this: God is a perfect God. His timing is perfect. Do not lose sight of that which you hope in the Lord for. His very Name is Faithful and you who hope in Him, do not hope in vain.

...21-Day Fast, Day 14 insights...

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied" 

Matthew 5:6

As we close out this fast with the last 7 days, your focus should be on what you have been praying for, what you have been asking God to do, and how you are going to use what you have been learning from Him, to honor Him. 

This verse holds a promise that I personally keep before me at all times. When we hunger and thirst for more than food, when we long to be satisfied by God Almighty, Himself, we can rest assured that we will be satisfied. Doesn't that paint a beautiful picture of a gracious Savior? When we make Him our priority, our focus, and the object of our affection and praise, we will be satisfied. More than just a ceasing to the tummy grumbles. More than just a breakthrough in finances, hurts, addictions, or relationships. A deeper, eternal satisfaction that only He can provide. And one that we must position ourselves to receive, by directing our hunger and thirst to His will.

Today, I am looking forward to the rest of the year. I am poised and ready to receive direction. I am hungry for things this world and all of it's delicacies cannot satisfy. I am hungry for a revelation and fresh perspective from my God. Finish strong, friends. We are so near the end! 

Whether you have struggled, cheated, or fought not to give up, I challenge you to look ahead. To sanctify these last 7 days as days of specific effort, to honor God, by denying yourself, and following Him. 

I love you, and I am right here with you! 

To God be the glory!

...21-Day Fast, Day 13 insights...

"Therefore, putting aside all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander, like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation, if you have tasted the kindness of the Lord. And coming to Him as to a living stone which has been rejected by men, but is choice and precious in the sight of God, you also, as living stones, are being built up as a spiritual house for a holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ" 

1 Peter 2:1-5

This passage of scripture likens those of us in Christ to newborn babies. Newborns are, or maybe it was just that my own 9-pound newborns were, constantly hungry. Longing for nutrition and sustenance. Longing for mother's milk. In the same way, we are supposed to be longing for the pure Word of God. That is where life comes from. I love that Peter writes that from the devouring of the Word, we are supposed to grow in relation to Salvation. I interpret this to mean that we are supposed to be living out our Salvation. We live on this side of the Cross, where grace and mercy and love abound. Fulfilled is the law, and heaven awaits those who accept Salvation through Jesus. This is the area where we are to mature. Mature in faith. Have you tasted the kindness of the Lord lately? Have you been feeding on the Word? Have you tasted the sweet victory on Calvary? Do you walk in the maturity of grace and love in Jesus? I don't know about you, but I sure am longing for the pure milk of the Word today. I am just about done with this whole 'fruits and veggies' thing, and I hunger for a fresh revelation from God. As I watched my children thank God for their fish sticks last night, I was convicted to thank God for the pure milk of the Word. For it is by this Word that we live, grow, mature, and in return share with others. The kindness of the Lord tastes sweeter than any piece of chocolate. As we fast, we are offering ourselves as a living sacrifice to a living and present God, who wants us to grow up to be like His Son. Today my perspective is this: I do not have to fast. My faith allows me the freedom to be obedient, and this fast is a fast of thankfulness for the liberty in Jesus I am trying to mature in, live from, and enjoy. Today, get in the Word, and you will taste and see that the Lord is good. He will sustain you, offer you fresh perspective, and an opportunity to grow in Salvation.