...busyness...

I am discovering (through no small lesson) that it is not necessarily good to have a busy life.
Busy doesn't equal good. The quality in the actions, and the reason behind the motivation is important. 

I see people running ragged. Losing sleep and burning the candle at both ends (a metaphor for busyness that I picked up from my dad at a young age. See, Pop, I listen). And I am guilty. I am not sure if I am in the middle of a busy season, or if my busy season is just beginning. But I find myself straining, searching for deeper meaning, while simultaneously running just as ragged.

I want so desperately to live a life pleasing to God, my Creator. Every fiber of my being desires His stamp of approval. And yet, when I sit back and reflect, I find that I am maybe not where I should be. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.
Here is what I mean:

My daughter plays softball. She's not a phenom, but she is my kid so that basically equals the same thing. Being the mom that I am, I make sure that she has what she needs, and that she gets where she needs to be. But the cost is high. We frequently miss church on Sundays, and all friendships have fallen by the wayside. Just to clarify, and to satisfy my legalistic tendencies: I watch my home church's live stream or recorded message every week. I listen to KLove and Air1 in the car almost exclusively, so I don't lack worship in my life. Just corporately. 

My son plays football. This generational rite of passage wasn't lost on me, though I practically begged my son not to play (I'm a mom, people. He's just too small and precious to me to stand even the thought of getting hurt). Again, I make sure he is always where he needs to be, has the right equipment (I wish he would let me wrap him in bubble wrap) and is prepared. 

All this means that I have zero free time. I couldn't host an evening bbq or host a small group if I wanted to. The relational quality of my life has significantly lessened through this season. 

But is this season good?

I struggle to find time to just be. While I maintain some symbalance of a relationship with God through prayer and 5-minute devotions on my phone's Bible app, I can't help but feel hallow.
Yes, some is better than none. But what would it take for me to have more? And I am even willing to know the answer?
Jesus demands that we drop it all and follow Him. If He called me over, and I truly loved Him like I say I do, could I walk away form this life (I mean, could I walk away from my family) and be with Him? Isn't that what I am supposed to be doing now, putting Him above everything? Can I both honor God and support my kids' sports schedules? Can I still teach them about sacrificial living if I am not completely modeling it? Can I teach them to honor God and keep His commandments if I continually break His commandment for Sabbath?

This plagues me and keeps me up at night, crying out to God, my Redeemer and my Shepard.
And I have the suspicion that I am not the only one...

This launched my quest to reign in my calendar, and really really REALLY search Him out with my whole heart. I am starting a new journey based on Jen Hatmaker's book 7, which is basically a 7-month assault on excess, the 7 things that most frequently get in the way of a deeper relationship with God and more enriching life (clothes, spending, waste, food, posessions, media, and stress).

I am going to weed out what I put in the way of God's will for my life, and see what happens. I want to be transformed - and I know that I have to jump in with both feet for any lasting change to take place. My personality is all-or-nothing. I want to see the bigger picture, to know the deeper meaning. I am praying for a community of accountability, to walk along side me and help keep me focused on drawing nearer Jesus.
And I am praying for someone to take the plunge and join me.
I can't be the only one dissatisfied by the schedule and fed-up with the rat-race.