...To My Brother On Your Birthday...

Dear Ryan,

............. This is by far the most difficult thing that I have done, to date. Write you a letter (posting it for people to see) that I know you will never see, with thoughts and emotions that I don't have words for. 

Man, I wish you were here. More accurately, I wish that I was there, in Heaven. With you. Home. 

Birthdays just aren't the same anymore. It's hard to celebrate.. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the 23 birthdays that we got to share. But I can't help but feel robbed of a life time of more birthdays.........

So much has happened in the past two years, and while I know that there is no time in Heaven, I can't help but wonder if you can see and know just how deeply I miss you? I miss everything. I miss who I was, I miss our inside jokes, and your laugh, and how when I was mad you would smother me until I laughed, too. I miss your stupid jokes, and inappropriate commentary. I miss having someone who understands me, I miss being half of something really cool. I even miss that secret handshake. Parts of me still haven't recovered from all of the broken dreams. There are some joys that I will miss on this earth, because you aren't here. And I understand just a glimpse of that agony that you were experiencing, because I think that you understood that you may miss out on those joys too. 

I can't help but wonder who you would be, if you were still on earth. Would you have graduated Heald? Moved away? Moved in? Would you be thinner? More fit? Fat? Would you realize that Rogaine doesn't work, and shave your head like Pop? 

Would you have found someone special to join you on your road through recovery? A girlfriend? Heaven only knows... a baby? 

When I watch that final goodbye, and tears finally flow unashamed down my face, I can see how deeply you hurt, And I would give my own life to take away that pain. 

Did you know that? Did you think that leaving us was going to spare us from some other unknowable pain? Did you think that you were going to have to endure some unfathomable torture? 

RYAN..... WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??????????????

I hope that you don't feel the misery of missing me on my birthday, another midnight come and gone... When I am finally rescued from this life, and find myself in the arms of Jesus, I know that it won't matter any more. There will be no unanswered questions. No pain. Just joy and completion. 

Until then, baby brother, Happy Birthday in Heaven. 

I love you.

~Du