...The End? Or a Beginning?...

Grief.

That word seems to be reserved for death, but I think that it is appropriate and applicable to the 'end' of things. I think that it is not death that our flesh grieves, but it is the end. End of life, end of love, end of a time, a season, a friendship.

This word has taken on a new meaning for me lately. I am humbled by the complete and total awareness of this grief that I now have.

The end that I am grieving, is the end of my season of childbearing. In just a few short weeks, I am going to lose my ability to conceive and grow a child within my body.

I was once, and continue to be, elated that the wonderful Doctor "ok'd" the hysterectomy, a medical necessity for me to have abundant life, to be the mom and wife God created me to be. Although I DO NOT want to have any more children, the fact that after June 30th, I will no longer have the choice is what plagues me.

The severely emotional part of me wants to cry and exclaim "God created women to have babies! If I can no longer have babies, what good am I?!" The rational part of me wants to counsel "This is for the best, and you will be much better off - physically and emotionally." But where does that leave the "me" that is in the middle, trying to sort it all out? It seems I should either be one or the other, happy or sad. But I just can't bring myself to decide.

Abba. Father. I so long to feel Your comfort and peace around me. I need Your grace. I need Your inspiration. I am so confused, how do I process this, God? How can I realize the plan laid before me is the one that You have already traveled? I am scared.

I know Your deliverance can be from, by, or into Your arms, but I am struggling to see the 'how'. I know that it is not for me to know, forgive me my presumptions. God, I repent of my pride, my selfishness and my arrogant attitude. Forgive me, Father. I humbly accept the price You paid for me, a gift of grace and mercy I could never earn. I love You Lord.

In Jesus' redeeming name, Amen.

My Child, you try so hard to shield your emotions from Me. You need to break down those walls and realize that I WANT you to bring it to Me. Cry out in your grief, your despair. Allow Me to comfort you and protect you. Abide in me - that means more that just following my perfect will. It means live out of the fruitfullness that I have provided. Live out your life through My grace and mercy. Extend it to others, share of My love and joy. If you are living in Me, you will never need to run to find Me. I am here. I am there. I am everywhere you could or should imagine yourself being. Down this path, that path, and any future path, I AM. Not was, not will be. I AM. I AM there. I AM here. I AM always. Forever. Eternal and constant.

I love you, my darling daughter.