I didn't sign up for this!
I didn't volunteer to be chief diaper-changer, dinner-maker, laundry-doer. I don't want to be house-cleaner, nose-wiper, tear-dryer all by myself. I cry out repentence when I start to covet marriages like my friends have. Marriages where both parents are home at night. I run screaming to God about the unfairness of life, when I see marriages where husband and wife have equal parts to play. Then, when all the tears have dried, and I somehow am able to talk again, I remember. I remember the way his blue eyes sparkled when I said "I do." I remember that there is a life out there that needs saving. I remember that the Thin Blue Line is not thin at all. I remember how much it means to be a part of something that makes a difference. I remember that I did sign up for this. I chose this life. Because years ago, I wanted to be on the other side of the line too. I wanted to carry a glock and a badge. I wanted to use those handcuffs, and I wanted to deploy the taser.
Sometimes it is so easy to get swept up in the stresses of life, that you lose sight of the bigger picture. For a moment, I forget that I am meant to be doing exactly what I am doing. I lose my focus of the goal, the God-appointed direction. I was called to be a parent. I did not chose it for myself. God, the Master Disigner of Life will never hear enough kudos from me, because I will never stop praising Him for His perfection. Without His intervention, I would not have my beautiful children.
Let me share a little story: I was not unlike any other 16 year-old high school girl. I thought that I knew it all, and I wasn't afraid to tell anyone that they were wrong. I wanted to be a cop, so I applied with my city's PD for the Cadet program. Of course they accepted me. Why wouldn't they, right?! (ugh. It's hard to type that without rolling my eyes!) Fast forward a few years, and Im now 21. And I still think I know everything. Although my attitude is slightly more mild than in years previous, I still thought that I had it going on. Whatever "it" was. So I enrolled in the SJDC Police Academy. I easily found my groove and was part of the first 'Top Squad' award. Then, disaster struck. If you can call it that. January was coming to a close and I was having trouble zipping up my uniform pants. Let me spare you the freakish details and just say that I was then diagnosed with 3rd trimester pregnancy. Yes, disgnosed. Like you would go to the doctor to get tested or treated for some sickness, the only shocking discovery that laid wait in my system was unplanned pregnancy, 32 weeks incubated.
Fast forward some more, and you see that I gave birth to a completely healthy 9lb1oz baby girl. But the story doesn't end there. 9 months after the suprise that is Justice, Kevin and I decided to take our fate into our own hands, and we tried to have another baby. 9 weeks into the pregnancy, I miscarried. 5 months and later, the hole in our lives was again closed by God's divine orchestration. Pregnant for the second and final time while taking birth control pills, I realized that whatever God's path for me was, it involved these two children. After all, He gave them to me, even while I was trying NOT to have them. My son was born completely healthy at 9lb6oz. (I hope you are thinking "poor her"... well, Id be saying that if I actually had to pop them out. Thank You, God, for the c-sections!)
So, I guess I didn't actually sign up for motherhood. God made me a mother because, if I can be so bold as to assume I know anything at all about why God does what He does, He has something to teach me about Himself that I obviously wouldn't learn any other way.
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